A lot has happened since my last entry, most of it good. :)
I finally got a midwife! Yay! We have contracted with Treesa McLean, a wonderful midwife in Hayward who is very excited to help us with our birth. She's extremely earthy, kind, and warm. Her website, Birth With Treesa, is here. After meeting with one midwife in the south bay, I was sure that I wanted something different. The vibe was ALL wrong. Treesa was on my OB's preferred midwives list, and had also been tickling the periphery of my awareness as I looked through the local midwives that were recommended to me. I am ashamed to admit that I think I was a bit put off by her name, which is ridiculous. But I was thinking that with a name that starts with Tree she might be a tad more crunchy than I wanted. Not so at all! She's just enough Tree (grounded, stable, formidable, flexible, and dynamic) to really make my heart sing. I am so happy to have found her. We've only had 2 appointments, and she's already offering me great advice and getting down to brass tacks about logistics and possibilities.
Which brings me to news #2, not so great. My 2nd 3 hour glucose test came back with one elevated number that she didn't like. Now, the ADA says that it's not gestational diabetes unless TWO of the numbers are over the limit.. so technically I'm passing, but just squeaking by. Treesa is having me monitor my own blood sugar and journal my food for a few days to try to get more in-depth readings using foods I actually eat. It seems like a good plan, but I have to say that I'm a little bit depressed at what I'm already finding. *If* I am diagnosed with GD that does not resolve with diet and exercise, I will be disqualified for a home birth. That would be SUCH a bummer. So I'm hoping that we'll be able to nail it with a minimum of interventions. *sigh* So, a little stressed about that right now.
I had my 2nd appointment with Dr. Schuftan this week, and I was a little bit disappointed. Not only did I wait for an hour and a half to see him, but when I finally did, he was kind of weird and rushed, and spent most of our talk-time telling me about a new brand of vitamins he recommends, sells, and takes. I felt a little bit like I had been cornered by the Herbalife guy. And I don't doubt that he probably was making the recommendation for a good reason, and that the stuff is great product. But it was just kind of a strange shift in mood - he almost went into a marketing pitch. It was very odd. Not only did we have the Pill-Ex lecture, but then he gave me a 20 second ultrasound, said "Yep, there's your baby! Looks like the heart's beating just fine." and then shut down the machine and literally shuffled out the door. Earlier I had told him about some weird cramping/tightening I'd been feeling, and he said "Do you want me to check your cervix?" I said "Well, no, I'd rather not get naked and goopy - but if you think its necessary, I'm fine with it.." and he just sort of moved on to the next topic. It was strange. I mean, if he were worried, I'm sure he would have done the check.. so I can take it as a positive thing, I'm sure. But it was just strange. Anyway - I think it was just a bizarre day all around.
I have gained a couple of pounds, but I'm pretty sure that's all baby-stuff. I'm a bit relieved, actually, to be gaining a little. Hopefully it won't start an avalanche of pounds. :) Still barfing most mornings. Nights have gotten better - no puking in a few weeks, which is *wonderful*. I'm sleeping very well, still, and the back and joint pain is still very minimal/nonexistent. I'm very lucky that way, I gather. Leg cramps still killing me here and there, but Treesa has a surefire cure I'm going to try soon to see if that helps. (Mineral cocktail, basically.)
Speaking of Treesa, the best part about her is that her husband publishes role playing games, one of which is quite famous! My friends have played it numerous times, and it's just really cool to have someone 'in my tribe' as a midwife. I feel like we 'get' each other. When Eric and I went over on Sunday, her husband was hosting his Sunday tabletop gaming group. It was so familiar. And she has two GIANT Great Danes who are so beautiful and sweet. I even got to snuggle on the couch with Horatio, the big one. Such bliss to find her! She's in Haiti for a few weeks (birthing babies, what else?), so I'll be meeting the backup midwife this weekend.
Childbirth and breastfeeding classes are scheduled, and the car seat has arrived. Baby shower is planned... I suppose this means we're actually going to have a baby at some point soon. :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
New Doc, New Lease on Life
I don't have much time to post at the moment, but didn't want to let too much time go by with so much going on.
Today I met Dr. Schuftan for the first time. I am really impressed! He was extremely personable, wholeheartedly on board for planning for a home birth, and was just generally a joy. He gave me some Midwife resources, which I will follow up with this week as none of the women I've tried to contact have been able to get back to me. Hopefully I'll have some closure on that soon, with a backup doc ready to go and a midwife I trust. At 28 weeks it feels a bit weird not to have my team in place. I also have contracted with Dolphin Doula, an extremely highly recommended team from San Mateo. We went to the Meet The Doulas night a couple weeks ago, and were very impressed. Of course, it's hard to know how they'll be when things go down, but since everyone and their mother seems to think they're the bee's knees, I'll just trust.
This whole thing involves quite a bit of trust. In professionals, in myself, in my body, in medicine, in nature, in Eric. I'm working hard on remaining open to what is, and not clinging to any sense of what I want or need. Sort of extreme realism. So far it has served me well, and I hope to continue in that vein as things get more intense.
The wonderful news is that the antepartum depression seems to have lifted considerably, and I'm feeling much more grounded and happy. If I dwell too long on the hardship and difficulty of what lies ahead (and by ahead I mean parenting, not the birth) I am able to get myself pretty well back down into that funk.. so instead I try to push it aside and concentrate on the hard work of keeping myself healthy and celebrating the positives that I know will come along with this little girl. I'm still not exactly excited, but I'm at least not in a constant state of dread. I guess I should take it, huh?
Body-wise, I'm definitely popping out and full of baby. I've not gained a single pound overall since getting pregnant, which is wacky. Especially since now I know there are at least 5-8 pounds of baby and placenta and amniotic fluid in there now. Eric and I can both see a distinct change in my body - I'm getting back to where I was when we met, which is kind of nice. Well, except for the GIANT BELLY and inflated boobs. I contribute the weight loss/evening out to the fact that I can't really eat a large quantity of anything anymore and tend to graze all day on high-protein, high-fat snacks that are *gasp* good for me! Peanut butter and apples, babybel cheeses, toast and jam with cream cheese, cereals with whole milk, etc. I've renewed my love of fruit, and big doughy carby things aren't quite as alluring. Go baby - making me eat well. Heartburn has been creeping up on me, (and that's no surprise given the constant pressure on my gastric sphincters + hormones) but thankfully I'm *supposed* to be having one Tums a day to help with my calcium, so it all evens out.
I took my final 3 hour glucose test today. It sucked. But it's done now. Apparently there was no reason to take it twice, or so says Dr. S. Ah well.
A practical matter that has been bugging me has been how to best make sure that our needs are well attended after the birth. I know that we're both going to be exhausted, and with no family nearby I fear that we'll be doing it largely alone. I am 100% sure that Grandma and Aunt Sharlotte will be visiting frequently, as well as my Dad and Sandy (who have already begun making plans!), but I am just sort of boggling at how to cover the ins and outs of life in the first several months, especially once Eric returns to work. I can only remember the other times in my life when I've needed such help, and how readily I was cared for by those who love me. I'm sure all I will need to do is ask. I just need to figure out how I'm going to do that without feeling like a mooch.
Signing off from babyland..
Today I met Dr. Schuftan for the first time. I am really impressed! He was extremely personable, wholeheartedly on board for planning for a home birth, and was just generally a joy. He gave me some Midwife resources, which I will follow up with this week as none of the women I've tried to contact have been able to get back to me. Hopefully I'll have some closure on that soon, with a backup doc ready to go and a midwife I trust. At 28 weeks it feels a bit weird not to have my team in place. I also have contracted with Dolphin Doula, an extremely highly recommended team from San Mateo. We went to the Meet The Doulas night a couple weeks ago, and were very impressed. Of course, it's hard to know how they'll be when things go down, but since everyone and their mother seems to think they're the bee's knees, I'll just trust.
This whole thing involves quite a bit of trust. In professionals, in myself, in my body, in medicine, in nature, in Eric. I'm working hard on remaining open to what is, and not clinging to any sense of what I want or need. Sort of extreme realism. So far it has served me well, and I hope to continue in that vein as things get more intense.
The wonderful news is that the antepartum depression seems to have lifted considerably, and I'm feeling much more grounded and happy. If I dwell too long on the hardship and difficulty of what lies ahead (and by ahead I mean parenting, not the birth) I am able to get myself pretty well back down into that funk.. so instead I try to push it aside and concentrate on the hard work of keeping myself healthy and celebrating the positives that I know will come along with this little girl. I'm still not exactly excited, but I'm at least not in a constant state of dread. I guess I should take it, huh?
Body-wise, I'm definitely popping out and full of baby. I've not gained a single pound overall since getting pregnant, which is wacky. Especially since now I know there are at least 5-8 pounds of baby and placenta and amniotic fluid in there now. Eric and I can both see a distinct change in my body - I'm getting back to where I was when we met, which is kind of nice. Well, except for the GIANT BELLY and inflated boobs. I contribute the weight loss/evening out to the fact that I can't really eat a large quantity of anything anymore and tend to graze all day on high-protein, high-fat snacks that are *gasp* good for me! Peanut butter and apples, babybel cheeses, toast and jam with cream cheese, cereals with whole milk, etc. I've renewed my love of fruit, and big doughy carby things aren't quite as alluring. Go baby - making me eat well. Heartburn has been creeping up on me, (and that's no surprise given the constant pressure on my gastric sphincters + hormones) but thankfully I'm *supposed* to be having one Tums a day to help with my calcium, so it all evens out.
I took my final 3 hour glucose test today. It sucked. But it's done now. Apparently there was no reason to take it twice, or so says Dr. S. Ah well.
A practical matter that has been bugging me has been how to best make sure that our needs are well attended after the birth. I know that we're both going to be exhausted, and with no family nearby I fear that we'll be doing it largely alone. I am 100% sure that Grandma and Aunt Sharlotte will be visiting frequently, as well as my Dad and Sandy (who have already begun making plans!), but I am just sort of boggling at how to cover the ins and outs of life in the first several months, especially once Eric returns to work. I can only remember the other times in my life when I've needed such help, and how readily I was cared for by those who love me. I'm sure all I will need to do is ask. I just need to figure out how I'm going to do that without feeling like a mooch.
Signing off from babyland..
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Almost 26 Weeks, and Alllls Welllll
Molly and I went for our second detailed ultrasound the other day! It looks like everything is just where it should be, her heart is beating well, and she's growing right on schedule. Wonderful news. It took a while to get the right pictures of the heart, so I was starting to get a little bit antsy wondering why the technician was concentrating so hard on the different chambers and valves. But as I understand it, that's totally what they're looking for at that particular appointment, so it makes sense. We got the cutest little profile of her.. she looks like a baby now!
In a week and a bit I'll go in for my second (and hopefully final) 3 hour glucose tolerance test. It was a nightmare last time - so this time I'm going to go in armed with a book, DVD, and phone charger. Should be an improvement this time. I am not showing any signs of GD, so I should hopefully still be clear. I could be better about exercising, but I think I'm doing well with food and so hopefully it's status quo. I'm worried about anything that might jeopardize my ability to have my birth at home.
On Thursday we will have our "Meet the Doulas" night and will hopefully get a bit further down the path of choosing doulas and finding out more about midwives. I went to see the new obstetrician the other day, and while she seemed very kind and competent, she shared with me that her office will not 'back up' home birth patients. So I'll need to look toward another office for that kind of support if I want to have an obstetrician on call in addition to my midwife. Thankfully they were able to make a recommendation about a specific practice nearby that has been known to handle homebirths in the past, and I was able to make my next appointment with a well-known and respected doctor there. Hopefully we will click and he'll support my desire to have a home birth. We'll see. One of the great takeaways from my last appointment was that the doctor said that she saw nothing that should impede my path to home birth - that I am considered low-risk and that everything looked great so far. So I'm very pleased about that, and can't wait to talk to a midwife and get down to brass tacks.
The baby is rocking and rolling in her warm little home - I'm getting new types of kicks and movement all the time. Recently she's taken to kicking downward toward my back, which is a weird sensation indeed. (Heh - she just did it again!) But for now she's letting me sleep, and be mostly comfortable while we share space. I'm definitely showing, and people who know me have started remarking, rubbing the belly, etc. When I see pictures of skinny chicks at 5 months, they're clearly super pregnant. I just have to remember that it's under there, the soccer ball uterus containing the rutabaga of a baby. Just because it's got some adipose bunting doesn't mean it's not as significant.
I'm reading two wonderful books; Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, one of the leading midwives in the country, as well as Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman. The latter was recommended to me by a wise friend who had also lost her mother a significant time before her own pregnancy. It brings up a lot of strong and painful feelings, but I'm very happy to be processing them while I have the time and emotional space to do so. Considering how mothering may trigger profound grief is extremely valuable, as is hearing how healing many women have found their process of becoming a mother after losing their own. I must say, even before beginning the book, I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of my mom. What would she say? How did she experience pregnancy? What would she do to comfort me as I go through my depression and mood swings? What was life like for her with tiny children? What would she say about my choice to labor and birth at home? What rich advice could she be giving to me in the weeks after labor and delivery? The number of times she crosses my mind each day is extremely exaggerated - and though I could absolutely have predicted it, I am still struck dumb at times by my staggering feelings of loss and loneliness. Finding some community through the reading of the accounts of these women has been very healing so far, and I hope it continues to provide me with hope for reconciliation of some of these issues.
The depression I was speaking of in my last entry seems to have alleviated a bit - I'm definitely not quite at the same low as I have been for the last few months. I have a bit of increased energy as well, so I'm hoping that this is an upward trend for me and that my hormones have decided to give me a small break for a while. The emesis continues, and its not getting any easier to handle. That said, it is a known quantity now, so at least I can predict it and try to manage it as much as I can. I don't fight it anymore, I just let it roll on through. I know I could have it so much worse - I've talked to so many women who were violently ill through their entire 9 months (and then signed on to do it again!) and I thank my stars that I am only barfing once or twice a day. Still, I could really do without it.
The nursery has all of the necessary components, we just need to get off our butts and assemble everything and get the room set up. Thankfully we still have a couple mobile months left, so I'm hoping to get that underway soon. We have been extremely blessed by the warmth of our community, and have nearly all of our major needs met at this point. The diaper service has been selected, and the baby registry has begun.. I have a feeling we're really doing this thing.
Baby shower is set for April 1. We are still deciding how to handle it - try to have one big giant one and invite the whole county, or try to have a few smaller gatherings to hit different discrete groups of friends. I'm thinking of trying something distinctly non-traditional (What.. me?? Throw a non traditional milestone event?? Say it isn't so!!) so I need to kibbutz with my shower-faeries and see what they think. Either way - it's a lot less about the 'stuff' for me, and way more about celebration and being with friends cooing over my giant sloshy baby belly. We'll see! We've got two HUGE first birthdays to get through before then, not to mention mine and all sorts of other celebrations. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Signing off from babyland.. I love your comments so keep 'em coming! :) I like to see who is actually reading this dreck.
In a week and a bit I'll go in for my second (and hopefully final) 3 hour glucose tolerance test. It was a nightmare last time - so this time I'm going to go in armed with a book, DVD, and phone charger. Should be an improvement this time. I am not showing any signs of GD, so I should hopefully still be clear. I could be better about exercising, but I think I'm doing well with food and so hopefully it's status quo. I'm worried about anything that might jeopardize my ability to have my birth at home.
On Thursday we will have our "Meet the Doulas" night and will hopefully get a bit further down the path of choosing doulas and finding out more about midwives. I went to see the new obstetrician the other day, and while she seemed very kind and competent, she shared with me that her office will not 'back up' home birth patients. So I'll need to look toward another office for that kind of support if I want to have an obstetrician on call in addition to my midwife. Thankfully they were able to make a recommendation about a specific practice nearby that has been known to handle homebirths in the past, and I was able to make my next appointment with a well-known and respected doctor there. Hopefully we will click and he'll support my desire to have a home birth. We'll see. One of the great takeaways from my last appointment was that the doctor said that she saw nothing that should impede my path to home birth - that I am considered low-risk and that everything looked great so far. So I'm very pleased about that, and can't wait to talk to a midwife and get down to brass tacks.
The baby is rocking and rolling in her warm little home - I'm getting new types of kicks and movement all the time. Recently she's taken to kicking downward toward my back, which is a weird sensation indeed. (Heh - she just did it again!) But for now she's letting me sleep, and be mostly comfortable while we share space. I'm definitely showing, and people who know me have started remarking, rubbing the belly, etc. When I see pictures of skinny chicks at 5 months, they're clearly super pregnant. I just have to remember that it's under there, the soccer ball uterus containing the rutabaga of a baby. Just because it's got some adipose bunting doesn't mean it's not as significant.
I'm reading two wonderful books; Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, one of the leading midwives in the country, as well as Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman. The latter was recommended to me by a wise friend who had also lost her mother a significant time before her own pregnancy. It brings up a lot of strong and painful feelings, but I'm very happy to be processing them while I have the time and emotional space to do so. Considering how mothering may trigger profound grief is extremely valuable, as is hearing how healing many women have found their process of becoming a mother after losing their own. I must say, even before beginning the book, I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of my mom. What would she say? How did she experience pregnancy? What would she do to comfort me as I go through my depression and mood swings? What was life like for her with tiny children? What would she say about my choice to labor and birth at home? What rich advice could she be giving to me in the weeks after labor and delivery? The number of times she crosses my mind each day is extremely exaggerated - and though I could absolutely have predicted it, I am still struck dumb at times by my staggering feelings of loss and loneliness. Finding some community through the reading of the accounts of these women has been very healing so far, and I hope it continues to provide me with hope for reconciliation of some of these issues.
The depression I was speaking of in my last entry seems to have alleviated a bit - I'm definitely not quite at the same low as I have been for the last few months. I have a bit of increased energy as well, so I'm hoping that this is an upward trend for me and that my hormones have decided to give me a small break for a while. The emesis continues, and its not getting any easier to handle. That said, it is a known quantity now, so at least I can predict it and try to manage it as much as I can. I don't fight it anymore, I just let it roll on through. I know I could have it so much worse - I've talked to so many women who were violently ill through their entire 9 months (and then signed on to do it again!) and I thank my stars that I am only barfing once or twice a day. Still, I could really do without it.
The nursery has all of the necessary components, we just need to get off our butts and assemble everything and get the room set up. Thankfully we still have a couple mobile months left, so I'm hoping to get that underway soon. We have been extremely blessed by the warmth of our community, and have nearly all of our major needs met at this point. The diaper service has been selected, and the baby registry has begun.. I have a feeling we're really doing this thing.
Baby shower is set for April 1. We are still deciding how to handle it - try to have one big giant one and invite the whole county, or try to have a few smaller gatherings to hit different discrete groups of friends. I'm thinking of trying something distinctly non-traditional (What.. me?? Throw a non traditional milestone event?? Say it isn't so!!) so I need to kibbutz with my shower-faeries and see what they think. Either way - it's a lot less about the 'stuff' for me, and way more about celebration and being with friends cooing over my giant sloshy baby belly. We'll see! We've got two HUGE first birthdays to get through before then, not to mention mine and all sorts of other celebrations. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Signing off from babyland.. I love your comments so keep 'em coming! :) I like to see who is actually reading this dreck.
Friday, January 20, 2012
23 Weeks
Solidly into the second trimester, I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. More movement from BGR, more tugging on the round ligaments, etc. I've been battling my gagging reflex in the mornings, but I'm finding that if I drink or eat something before hopping in the shower, things are more manageable.
Everyone says that the 2nd trimester is the best.. that there's a golden span of a few months where everything feels great and you're not too big yet. Well, my theory on that is that there's a short period in the middle where you're *used* to all of your aches, pains, symptoms and ailments.. so you have the coping mechanisms to fight them, and you've yet to add on a whole 'nother slew. I can't say it's all cleared up and I'm feeling peachy-keen.. just that it's a bunch of devil-I-know. So, I'll take it.
If I sound a little down.. well.. that's because I am. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the map, but often down where the days are dark and gloomy. I often find myself sad for 'no reason'.. or if there is a reason, my reaction is exaggerated. Classic chemical imbalance, caused by hormones. And when it happens, I know that's the case, but it doesn't make it any easier to weather. It stinks to be sad all the time. Eric has been extremely patient and loving, and offers his warm shoulder whenever I need to just cry. He has weathered the changes in me with great kindness and patience. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side. (He even talks to the baby once in a while.. it's very sweet.)
The biggest news in babyland is that we are seriously considering planning for a home birth. I am well aware that que sera sera, and that when it comes down to it we may find ourselves in a hospital with a doctor I don't know, slicing me open for a c-section while I lay catatonic. Which is not to say that I am expecting that things will go wrong, but I do know that this baby will be born in the way it should, and that's all there is to it. I can plan all I want!
Why home birth? There are a couple of reasons that stand out. I feel very strongly that medical intervention should not be required for the majority of births. The "we've been doing it for millions of years" argument is a good one, and it feels strange to me to step in where nature already knows the way. Monitoring, yes.. coaching, of course. And medical expertise is very necessary! But surgery and drugs? We already make the drugs we need in our bodies. The predominant reason for the induction of babies is the need for the hospital bed to turn over, and for liability to be minimized. That makes me sick to my stomach.
I've also been learning by hearing about birth stories where the mother's wishes were plowed under in the name of 'medicine.' The attitude that I've read and heard about by some hospital staff (some from them directly!) really echoes the Monty Python vignette from Meaning of Life about childbirth, where the mother says "Shall I push?" and the doctor responds with "No my dear, you're NOT qualified!" I want my child to come into the world on its own schedule, with love and patience and respect for the incredibly momentous event that is taking place. I'm sure that is possible to achieve in a clinical setting, but I do not have a strong belief that it will be tolerated, and I don't want to have to fight that battle in the moment. I've heard stories of people being asked to moan less, and make less noise while they deliver because its scaring the other moms. WHAT?? Huh?? How dare you!
The other big reason Eric and I both are in favor of home birth is that the processes that the brain and body undergo during birth are extremely important in terms of chemical bonding. While I completely comprehend that there have been millions (maybe billions) of babies born with anesthesia and by c-section, and that their mothers love them fiercely and without measure, I still feel connected to the evolutionary process that has been honed to perfect the chemical bonding that occurs when oxytocin is released in response to birth. The process is so complex and subtle that there is no substitute. If by having a routine hospital birth I am signing up to be 65% likely to NOT allow that experience to occur, I would forever regret that choice.
Do I think home birth will be easy? Hellll no. In fact, it scares me to think of the extended pain and difficulty. I worry that I will be begging for the easy way out within hours. I worry that I will be one of the 1% of mommies for whom transfer becomes not only begged for but medically necessary to prevent injury or death. But the 1% vs. 35% is a hugely impressive difference, and I feel strongly that I need to do what my heart tells me to do.
Now we are looking into this option and narrowing down our options in terms of finding a midwife (and also a doula), figuring out how to pay for all of these services, and begin receiving prenatal care from them. I have my first appointment with my replacement obstetrician on Wednesday, and I was hoping to have a decision made (or at least well considered) by then. Better get cracking!
I am heartened by the fact that more people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they either had or considered home birth. That they had midwives and doulas, or wished they'd had the balls to do it at home. Those kinds of stories bolster me and help me believe that I can do it if I am committed. I also have a dear friend Colleen who sat with me yesterday and told me of her two home births of her sons. It was really important for me to hear it from someone so passionate and successful. If I am half the mother that Colleen is to her children, I would be satisfied.
In more mundane news, we have all the furniture we could need, which is fantastic. Families from my work at CLC have sold or donated a crib, rocking glider chair, changing table, armoire, and shelving units. Not to mention books, dvds, and adorable little outfits. I am so happy to not be impacting the environment as much by buying yet more stuff. There will already be a lot we'll have to get, so having the big stuff out of the way is going to be fantastic. We're very lucky to have such a robust and generous community.
And on that note.. I'm off to make some space to PUT all this furniture that's on its way to us. One more week 'til viability! Hooray!
Everyone says that the 2nd trimester is the best.. that there's a golden span of a few months where everything feels great and you're not too big yet. Well, my theory on that is that there's a short period in the middle where you're *used* to all of your aches, pains, symptoms and ailments.. so you have the coping mechanisms to fight them, and you've yet to add on a whole 'nother slew. I can't say it's all cleared up and I'm feeling peachy-keen.. just that it's a bunch of devil-I-know. So, I'll take it.
If I sound a little down.. well.. that's because I am. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the map, but often down where the days are dark and gloomy. I often find myself sad for 'no reason'.. or if there is a reason, my reaction is exaggerated. Classic chemical imbalance, caused by hormones. And when it happens, I know that's the case, but it doesn't make it any easier to weather. It stinks to be sad all the time. Eric has been extremely patient and loving, and offers his warm shoulder whenever I need to just cry. He has weathered the changes in me with great kindness and patience. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side. (He even talks to the baby once in a while.. it's very sweet.)
The biggest news in babyland is that we are seriously considering planning for a home birth. I am well aware that que sera sera, and that when it comes down to it we may find ourselves in a hospital with a doctor I don't know, slicing me open for a c-section while I lay catatonic. Which is not to say that I am expecting that things will go wrong, but I do know that this baby will be born in the way it should, and that's all there is to it. I can plan all I want!
Why home birth? There are a couple of reasons that stand out. I feel very strongly that medical intervention should not be required for the majority of births. The "we've been doing it for millions of years" argument is a good one, and it feels strange to me to step in where nature already knows the way. Monitoring, yes.. coaching, of course. And medical expertise is very necessary! But surgery and drugs? We already make the drugs we need in our bodies. The predominant reason for the induction of babies is the need for the hospital bed to turn over, and for liability to be minimized. That makes me sick to my stomach.
I've also been learning by hearing about birth stories where the mother's wishes were plowed under in the name of 'medicine.' The attitude that I've read and heard about by some hospital staff (some from them directly!) really echoes the Monty Python vignette from Meaning of Life about childbirth, where the mother says "Shall I push?" and the doctor responds with "No my dear, you're NOT qualified!" I want my child to come into the world on its own schedule, with love and patience and respect for the incredibly momentous event that is taking place. I'm sure that is possible to achieve in a clinical setting, but I do not have a strong belief that it will be tolerated, and I don't want to have to fight that battle in the moment. I've heard stories of people being asked to moan less, and make less noise while they deliver because its scaring the other moms. WHAT?? Huh?? How dare you!
The other big reason Eric and I both are in favor of home birth is that the processes that the brain and body undergo during birth are extremely important in terms of chemical bonding. While I completely comprehend that there have been millions (maybe billions) of babies born with anesthesia and by c-section, and that their mothers love them fiercely and without measure, I still feel connected to the evolutionary process that has been honed to perfect the chemical bonding that occurs when oxytocin is released in response to birth. The process is so complex and subtle that there is no substitute. If by having a routine hospital birth I am signing up to be 65% likely to NOT allow that experience to occur, I would forever regret that choice.
Do I think home birth will be easy? Hellll no. In fact, it scares me to think of the extended pain and difficulty. I worry that I will be begging for the easy way out within hours. I worry that I will be one of the 1% of mommies for whom transfer becomes not only begged for but medically necessary to prevent injury or death. But the 1% vs. 35% is a hugely impressive difference, and I feel strongly that I need to do what my heart tells me to do.
Now we are looking into this option and narrowing down our options in terms of finding a midwife (and also a doula), figuring out how to pay for all of these services, and begin receiving prenatal care from them. I have my first appointment with my replacement obstetrician on Wednesday, and I was hoping to have a decision made (or at least well considered) by then. Better get cracking!
I am heartened by the fact that more people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they either had or considered home birth. That they had midwives and doulas, or wished they'd had the balls to do it at home. Those kinds of stories bolster me and help me believe that I can do it if I am committed. I also have a dear friend Colleen who sat with me yesterday and told me of her two home births of her sons. It was really important for me to hear it from someone so passionate and successful. If I am half the mother that Colleen is to her children, I would be satisfied.
In more mundane news, we have all the furniture we could need, which is fantastic. Families from my work at CLC have sold or donated a crib, rocking glider chair, changing table, armoire, and shelving units. Not to mention books, dvds, and adorable little outfits. I am so happy to not be impacting the environment as much by buying yet more stuff. There will already be a lot we'll have to get, so having the big stuff out of the way is going to be fantastic. We're very lucky to have such a robust and generous community.
And on that note.. I'm off to make some space to PUT all this furniture that's on its way to us. One more week 'til viability! Hooray!
Friday, December 30, 2011
And the winner is....
....Baby Girl Rinker! The amniocentesis results are in, (we went back for another one last Tuesday) and everything is peachy! The baby is definitely going to be a girl, and she's got all the right bits, bobs, and chromosomes. That's definitely a load off the mind, though we weren't really worried. Let the wild rumpus start!
Another milestone was that yesterday marked the first day of my 20th week. I am officially half way through the estimated length of pregnancy. Woo hoo! We made it this far, only another 4.5 months to go.. we can do it.. right? Right?? (I know.. I sound a little bit like I'm convincing myself.. well.. that's because I am.)
I'm definitely feeling a lot more pregnant. The belly is finally turning from ample midsection into actual baby bump, which is gratifying. I'm having to sit farther away from tables and think about where my body is so that I don't run into things. My lap is getting shorter and shorter, too. The cat has mainly noticed that one. :)
I also have been having some funny pains and aches, all of which I'm sure are normal. My massage therapist is pretty sure I have acute achilles tendonitis in my left heel, which is very painful and really stinks. Especially because he's not allowed to do any work in that area because there are neural connections to the reproductive organs that can cause premature labor. Bah. I'm sure, though, that it will be temporary and hopefully resolve once the baby's born.
I continue to have more energy than before, but the gagging has gotten worse. Thankfully it usually doesn't go anywhere, but when it does I'm sooo miserable. This whole process is not for the faint of heart, I tell ya. But then again, it's a cakewalk compared to actual parenting, which will be on us soon enough.
Speaking of parenting, it's extremely refreshing to feel like Eric and I are so much on the same page. We have had several discussions and roleplaying scenarios, and we are very well matched in terms of what we are envisioning for the little one. Who knows what will happen when the theory gets put into practice, but it's nice to come from the same starting point.
Time for this mama-to-be to rest.. there's a lot going on inside my tummy! I promise to post sooner this time. There's plenty to say.. I'm just lazy!
Another milestone was that yesterday marked the first day of my 20th week. I am officially half way through the estimated length of pregnancy. Woo hoo! We made it this far, only another 4.5 months to go.. we can do it.. right? Right?? (I know.. I sound a little bit like I'm convincing myself.. well.. that's because I am.)
I'm definitely feeling a lot more pregnant. The belly is finally turning from ample midsection into actual baby bump, which is gratifying. I'm having to sit farther away from tables and think about where my body is so that I don't run into things. My lap is getting shorter and shorter, too. The cat has mainly noticed that one. :)
I also have been having some funny pains and aches, all of which I'm sure are normal. My massage therapist is pretty sure I have acute achilles tendonitis in my left heel, which is very painful and really stinks. Especially because he's not allowed to do any work in that area because there are neural connections to the reproductive organs that can cause premature labor. Bah. I'm sure, though, that it will be temporary and hopefully resolve once the baby's born.
I continue to have more energy than before, but the gagging has gotten worse. Thankfully it usually doesn't go anywhere, but when it does I'm sooo miserable. This whole process is not for the faint of heart, I tell ya. But then again, it's a cakewalk compared to actual parenting, which will be on us soon enough.
Speaking of parenting, it's extremely refreshing to feel like Eric and I are so much on the same page. We have had several discussions and roleplaying scenarios, and we are very well matched in terms of what we are envisioning for the little one. Who knows what will happen when the theory gets put into practice, but it's nice to come from the same starting point.
Time for this mama-to-be to rest.. there's a lot going on inside my tummy! I promise to post sooner this time. There's plenty to say.. I'm just lazy!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
LTNS..
(Long Time No See, for those of the over-40 set..)
I was gently reminded by Grandma that I haven't posted in, oh, a month or so. I suppose 'no news is good news' is kind of a cop-out! But, in some ways, true.
Let's see... I'm a ton less queasy, which is wonderful. The flipside is that I now seem to have a hair-trigger gag reflex. So I'm doing a lot of dry heaving in the morning, and can't tolerate things that 'gross me out.' The other day I vomited after seeing someone spit on the ground. (I"m salivating right now just remembering it.. blech!) I'm not a fan of vomiting, so I wish it would stop. Interesting that I didn't ever actually ralf when in the morning sickness stage.. but began once it was done. Lame!
I have been feeling the baby move a lot lately, which is a great thing. Last night I could swear I felt them do a somersault. I rolled over in bed, and so they rolled over, too. Funny feeling! I can't wait for Eric to be able to feel something.
I'm getting bigger. Still losing weight everywhere but the belly, which is growing bigger. I'm now turning down booths to sit in, and I've stopped wearing my best jeans. *sigh* It's muumuu city from hereon out, I suppose.
We went in for the amniocentesis on Dec. 1st, and had the detailed ultrasound. I was anxious about going, though not worried exactly. Just ready to have the damned thing done. I had the ultrasound, and apparently they found that my uterine lining hadn't completely fused with the exterior (or something like that!) so doing the amnio was contraindicated. They rescheduled me for a few weeks later, which was very disappointing, but I had to trust that the docs knew best. The biggest bummer was that Eric and I had both arranged to be off work, and had driven to the city. Let's just say that it was a very grumpy car ride home.
I'll be going in again on Tuesday the 20th, which will be better since I'm now officially on winter break from work. (Woo hoo!) I can truly rest afterward without worrying about work. I'll let you know how it goes.
The great news is that the ultrasound showed that the baby is very much the right size, shape, and has all its appropriate bits! Any major problems would have been clear through the ultrasound, so it looks like so far so good! They also said that they're relatively certain that it's a girl! The way she put it was "Don't go out and buy anything pink.. but it looks like you've got a girl." Eric and I are both cautiously pleased. :)
I was gently reminded by Grandma that I haven't posted in, oh, a month or so. I suppose 'no news is good news' is kind of a cop-out! But, in some ways, true.
Let's see... I'm a ton less queasy, which is wonderful. The flipside is that I now seem to have a hair-trigger gag reflex. So I'm doing a lot of dry heaving in the morning, and can't tolerate things that 'gross me out.' The other day I vomited after seeing someone spit on the ground. (I"m salivating right now just remembering it.. blech!) I'm not a fan of vomiting, so I wish it would stop. Interesting that I didn't ever actually ralf when in the morning sickness stage.. but began once it was done. Lame!
I have been feeling the baby move a lot lately, which is a great thing. Last night I could swear I felt them do a somersault. I rolled over in bed, and so they rolled over, too. Funny feeling! I can't wait for Eric to be able to feel something.
I'm getting bigger. Still losing weight everywhere but the belly, which is growing bigger. I'm now turning down booths to sit in, and I've stopped wearing my best jeans. *sigh* It's muumuu city from hereon out, I suppose.
We went in for the amniocentesis on Dec. 1st, and had the detailed ultrasound. I was anxious about going, though not worried exactly. Just ready to have the damned thing done. I had the ultrasound, and apparently they found that my uterine lining hadn't completely fused with the exterior (or something like that!) so doing the amnio was contraindicated. They rescheduled me for a few weeks later, which was very disappointing, but I had to trust that the docs knew best. The biggest bummer was that Eric and I had both arranged to be off work, and had driven to the city. Let's just say that it was a very grumpy car ride home.
I'll be going in again on Tuesday the 20th, which will be better since I'm now officially on winter break from work. (Woo hoo!) I can truly rest afterward without worrying about work. I'll let you know how it goes.
The great news is that the ultrasound showed that the baby is very much the right size, shape, and has all its appropriate bits! Any major problems would have been clear through the ultrasound, so it looks like so far so good! They also said that they're relatively certain that it's a girl! The way she put it was "Don't go out and buy anything pink.. but it looks like you've got a girl." Eric and I are both cautiously pleased. :)
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