23 Weeks

Solidly into the second trimester, I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. More movement from BGR, more tugging on the round ligaments, etc. I've been battling my gagging reflex in the mornings, but I'm finding that if I drink or eat something before hopping in the shower, things are more manageable.

Everyone says that the 2nd trimester is the best.. that there's a golden span of a few months where everything feels great and you're not too big yet. Well, my theory on that is that there's a short period in the middle where you're *used* to all of your aches, pains, symptoms and ailments.. so you have the coping mechanisms to fight them, and you've yet to add on a whole 'nother slew. I can't say it's all cleared up and I'm feeling peachy-keen.. just that it's a bunch of devil-I-know. So, I'll take it.

If I sound a little down.. well.. that's because I am. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the map, but often down where the days are dark and gloomy. I often find myself sad for 'no reason'.. or if there is a reason, my reaction is exaggerated. Classic chemical imbalance, caused by hormones. And when it happens, I know that's the case, but it doesn't make it any easier to weather. It stinks to be sad all the time. Eric has been extremely patient and loving, and offers his warm shoulder whenever I need to just cry. He has weathered the changes in me with great kindness and patience. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side. (He even talks to the baby once in a while.. it's very sweet.)

The biggest news in babyland is that we are seriously considering planning for a home birth. I am well aware that que sera sera, and that when it comes down to it we may find ourselves in a hospital with a doctor I don't know, slicing me open for a c-section while I lay catatonic. Which is not to say that I am expecting that things will go wrong, but I do know that this baby will be born in the way it should, and that's all there is to it. I can plan all I want!

Why home birth? There are a couple of reasons that stand out. I feel very strongly that medical intervention should not be required for the majority of births. The "we've been doing it for millions of years" argument is a good one, and it feels strange to me to step in where nature already knows the way. Monitoring, yes.. coaching, of course. And medical expertise is very necessary! But surgery and drugs? We already make the drugs we need in our bodies. The predominant reason for the induction of babies is the need for the hospital bed to turn over, and for liability to be minimized. That makes me sick to my stomach.

I've also been learning by hearing about birth stories where the mother's wishes were plowed under in the name of 'medicine.' The attitude that I've read and heard about by some hospital staff (some from them directly!) really echoes the Monty Python vignette from Meaning of Life about childbirth, where the mother says "Shall I push?" and the doctor responds with "No my dear, you're NOT qualified!" I want my child to come into the world on its own schedule, with love and patience and respect for the incredibly momentous event that is taking place. I'm sure that is possible to achieve in a clinical setting, but I do not have a strong belief that it will be tolerated, and I don't want to have to fight that battle in the moment. I've heard stories of people being asked to moan less, and make less noise while they deliver because its scaring the other moms. WHAT?? Huh?? How dare you!

The other big reason Eric and I both are in favor of home birth is that the processes that the brain and body undergo during birth are extremely important in terms of chemical bonding. While I completely comprehend that there have been millions (maybe billions) of babies born with anesthesia and by c-section, and that their mothers love them fiercely and without measure, I still feel connected to the evolutionary process that has been honed to perfect the chemical bonding that occurs when oxytocin is released in response to birth. The process is so complex and subtle that there is no substitute. If by having a routine hospital birth I am signing up to be 65% likely to NOT allow that experience to occur, I would forever regret that choice.

Do I think home birth will be easy? Hellll no. In fact, it scares me to think of the extended pain and difficulty. I worry that I will be begging for the easy way out within hours. I worry that I will be one of the 1% of mommies for whom transfer becomes not only begged for but medically necessary to prevent injury or death. But the 1% vs. 35% is a hugely impressive difference, and I feel strongly that I need to do what my heart tells me to do.

Now we are looking into this option and narrowing down our options in terms of finding a midwife (and also a doula), figuring out how to pay for all of these services, and begin receiving prenatal care from them. I have my first appointment with my replacement obstetrician on Wednesday, and I was hoping to have a decision made (or at least well considered) by then. Better get cracking!

I am heartened by the fact that more people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they either had or considered home birth. That they had midwives and doulas, or wished they'd had the balls to do it at home. Those kinds of stories bolster me and help me believe that I can do it if I am committed. I also have a dear friend Colleen who sat with me yesterday and told me of her two home births of her sons. It was really important for me to hear it from someone so passionate and successful. If I am half the mother that Colleen is to her children, I would be satisfied.

In more mundane news, we have all the furniture we could need, which is fantastic. Families from my work at CLC have sold or donated a crib, rocking glider chair, changing table, armoire, and shelving units. Not to mention books, dvds, and adorable little outfits. I am so happy to not be impacting the environment as much by buying yet more stuff. There will already be a lot we'll have to get, so having the big stuff out of the way is going to be fantastic. We're very lucky to have such a robust and generous community.

And on that note.. I'm off to make some space to PUT all this furniture that's on its way to us. One more week 'til viability! Hooray!

Less Queasy, More Breezy

Thank goodness! The constant queasiness is subsiding! I'm still having food aversions (right now it's anything fried, and spiced meat like kebabs or mediterranean.) That said, I was able to go to Espetus last night for Brazilian Rodizio buffet, so that was a nice surprise. Pineapple always sounds good. Smoothies sound great, though I really haven't had many. Fruit is always appealing, too. At least it seems like once I start eating, I can keep going and get it all down. Eric and I are definitely going to be trying to get out to do things that aren't baby-friendly, to try to squeeze them in before Blinky's arrival. So dinner and a movie was a great start. We also have a bunch of tickets to concerts coming up.


In terms of other symptoms, there really haven't been many changes. Eric calls me his 'supersniffer'. Which sounds more glamorous than it is.. mostly I get the privilege of checking to see whether his t-shirts are clean or dirty before he gets dressed. :) It has mostly been fine, although occasionally I have to cover up my nose or find something more pleasant stat.


I'm still trying to keep my attitude pretty light about the baby. I have a dear friend who was recently pregnant, but lost the baby at 10 weeks. So, even though I might feel like things are going well, and that I'm out of the woods, it really isn't true just yet. So there isn't much planning going on, or thinking about parenting, or any of that bondy stuff. I'm trying to just take it easy and focus on my health and keeping myself under as little stress as possible. Soon I'll get to throw myself into this whole-hog. But for now, still a bit cautious.

We made the big announcement last week after the appointment, and we've gotten nothing but great well-wishes and offers of help. We're so lucky to belong to such amazing families and communities. I have a feeling that we'll barely have to buy anything with all the hand-me-downs!

Altogether feeling great and rockin' it.

Sorry for the lag.. but it was worth the wait!

Today was our first *real* appointment with our new OB, Dr. Shefali Gandhi-List. I LOVE her. She was recommended by two people I trust very highly, and I couldn't be more pleased. Eric and I waited over an hour and 15 minutes to see her, but it was worth the wait.

Voila...



We got to see Blinky, peanut that zie is. We saw the heartbeat (nice and strong at 173 BPM) and she did the first pass to see the size and development. The doctor was very pleased and said that everything looked to be in order. She confirmed my due date of May 16/17, and helped us decide on what course of genetic testing we should pursue. We've decided to go with the amniocentesis at 16 weeks. So, a little while to wait, yet.

Seeing the little heart fluttering was a great relief for me, and helped me feel validated. Yes, I'm having a baby. Yes, all of these symptoms are real. Yes, it is happening. Time to take deep breaths, and continue being good to myself, and getting all of the good stuff I need to keep the baby developing on course.

Eric continues to be pretty vulcan about the whole thing. I'm wondering when it will kick in for him. I had hoped it would be today, but no such luck. Maybe when he's actually holding the child he will finally feel some feelings and shed a tear or two. Until then, I have you, my dear friends and family, to help me process and emote. I'm feeling pretty blessed to have such wonderful, supportive people around me. From helping me carry groceries to sharing a hug at each stage of the game, my friends are really where it's at. Hopefully you'll continue loving me when I'm 8 months along and spouting obscenities every several minutes.

Anyway.. the big news is... we're having a baby. That above is the proof. Blinky Rinker is on the way!