Wow. Let's see.. when was my last post? 34 weeks? Man, 6 weeks and I haven't said a peep. Ah well, that's what late pregnancy brain will do, I suppose.
Let's start with where things are right now. I've been feeling a couple of contractions this evening, though nothing terribly rhythmic yet. They've only gotten serious the past 30 minutes or so, so perhaps this is the beginning of something beautiful. Or, it's just another of my uterus' practice sessions like last week. Or maybe Molly's just dancing a jig in there. Either way, the only way to find out is to let it happen I suppose, which is a difficult task given my state of 'doneness'. Yep, stick a fork in me, folks. I'm tooootally done. I am 2 days away from my due date (technically almost 1 day only, since it's almost midnight) and just sort of fed up. I hear that's terribly natural, however, and may even signal that things are about to get going. We'll see.
Last week I had an episode of prodromal labor on Tuesday. It began with an acupuncture session with Dr. Hang, and about 3 hours later I started having some funky feelings in the abdomen. I can't say it hurt, just felt strange. Very much like the Braxton Hicks I have felt along the way, a tightening with a very pronounced beginning and end. But by about the 4th or 5th one, I thought it might be good to start tracking them. They got to 13 minutes apart, duration of 45 seconds or so. But I only had 5 or so and then they petered out. By the time 7:00 rolled around, I had stopped completely. Sigh. But still, it was a good chance for me to see what it might begin like, so that I could be on the lookout. The next day at my appointment Treesa said that she couldn't discern any effacement or dilation, which meant that it was unlikely to be happening in the near future. But she also assured me that I had a solid 10 days after my due date before I would need to consider checking into the hospital for induction, which eased my mind greatly. I had been under the impression that it would have been only a few days over before I'd start getting pressure to check in and change my plans. So, I still have some time before I have to get desperate.
Everyone who encounters the bump has been letting her know that it is okay to come out, that it's a lovely place out here and that she'll be loved and welcomed. Hopefully she's beginning to get the hint!
Don't get me wrong - I am still a bit apprehensive about the birth, and about the next, oh, 18-25 years of my life. So in some ways I don't want this to happen, exactly. But that's just fear talking - I am ready for this, at least as ready as I'll ever be. Especially in a bodily sense. Things are definitely at the end of their rope!
Let's play some catch up. My blood sugars have been really good (with only a few notable exceptions) and so everyone has backed off the gestational diabetes witch hunt. With a solid harmony of adjusted diet and some additional exercise, I feel like I have been able to control it as well as can be expected. I don't think anyone's under the impression that I'm cured of my pre-diabetes status or that I won't continue to need to monitor my sugars to remain devoid of a diabetes diagnosis after pregnancy - but it seems as though the immediate threat of macrosomia (giant-baby) is less of a worry. About 2 weeks ago, Dr. Schuftan had me go in for a detailed ultrasound to check the size of the baby. I argued that such data was often completely inaccurate, and therefore unnecessary - but it made him feel better to hear that the baby seemed to be in the 80th percentile of growth. So, if the data did that for him, I should be glad for it. Tree and Kirstin aren't worried a bit, which is reassuring.
Another blip I should record for posterity is that my blood pressure showed up a bit elevated a few weeks ago as well, and so Treesa came over on a rush basis to check me out. I also waited until right about then to begin some pretty impressive swelling in my feet and ankles. So the two symptoms together made her worry a bit about pre-eclampsia. But by her arrival, my BP was back down to relatively normal, so she didn't feel the need to take me to the hospital for blood tests. All BPs since then have been good or even great, so there does not seem to be that worry.
I attribute much of my health turnaround to the fact that I stopped working 2 weeks ago and have been able to reeeelaaaax since then with my sweetie. Eric's contract ended on the 27th as well, so we've basically had a 2 week stay-cation together, which has been totally awesome. Not that work is particularly stressful for me, but the waking up on a schedule that is incompatible with my biorhythms is always a strain, and I think with my body being taxed to the max, working and having to be 'on' for 9 hours straight was just a bit too much for it to handle. It became abundantly clear that I wasn't going to make it until my original planned end date of May 4th. I had told Chris from the beginning: I will work as long as I can continue to be nice. And, boy, by the middle of that week before, I had ceased to be nice. Thankfully he was a gem about it and very supportively told me to get the hell out of dodge. I think I gave poor Charlene a heart attack, but she seemed to be receptive after the initial shock wore off.
I've been able to mostly check out of work, after some initial involvement and a few stops into the office. It's been wonderful that people have been able to give me space. I have no doubt that they're doing so intentionally, and that they'd prefer me to have a red telephone by my bedside at all times to answer questions. But everyone's amazing and handling it like champs. I'm very lucky to be so well attended.
Molly's room is far from complete, though the big pieces are assembled and in place. It'll no doubt be a mad dash to get it ready for her when she's really coming - but I figure that might be a nice thing for me to focus on during labor. Or at least boss around other people to do. :) Really it's just a little bit of sorting and stowing. Crib's ready to go (though we likely won't be using it for a while, really) and the changing table is in place. All the bits and bobs that one supposedly needs for the arrival of a child have been purchased or gifted, so I think we're in good shape. I am absolutely astounded by the generosity of the people in my life. We have everything we need and then some.. I believe we've received 5 handmade baby blankets. Knitted, crocheted, pieced, and quilted. This young girl will be swaddled in absolute luxury! A particularly touching one is in the same pattern as my original baby blanket when I was born, hand crocheted by one of the moms. She didn't know it was the same, but it brought tears to my eyes as I carefully unwrapped it and put it up to my face. Another is stitched together of re-purposed cashmere, and as soft as the sky. One of the others is beautiful shades of purple and green, since the knitter knew I wasn't a fan of pink. I am just floored to the core that people spent time and energy and love making these things for a small being they haven't even met yet!
That reminds me - I absolutely MUST get the needlework hung that my mother made. About 15 years ago, she cross-stitched a very large guardian angel to give to the daughter of her best friend upon the arrival of her first child. It was beautiful, and my mom spent many hours making it. When she died, Gina (the daughter) sent it back to me to hold onto for my own child's room someday. I have held onto it with deep gratitude, and have always planned to mount it in the nursery when that day arrived. Well, looks like that day is today. Or maybe tomorrow, or the next day. :) I will be very pleased to see it hanging there, watching over her.
Mother's Day was yesterday, and it was of course lovely to spend it with Nikki and Bonnie. I had a bit of sadness, but that's pretty usual this time of year. This is right around when we found out Mom's diagnosis, coupled with Mother's Day, coupled with babytime. But honestly I'm not a wreck, which is good. I'm sure there will be more mom stuff that comes up, but for now it's manageable.
Anyway - that's the state of the union here. I should talk about my feelings. Huh. Well, maybe if labor continues I'll need something to distract me. Looks like having tracked here for a while, I've got average duration of 48 seconds, with an average interval of 6 minutes or so. Huh! Maybe it's gonna finally transpire! I think I'll go put my feet into some hot water and lay down. Maybe curl up with a mug of raspberry leaf tea and see what happens. I'll be sure to keep the world posted via facebook and text. Sarah is going to take over the communications officer position as soon as I become incapacitated or my midwives yank my phone. :) So everyone following along at home shouldn't have to be too far out of the loop.
Did I mention that I feel extremely loved and supported? Luckiest mommy ever.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
34 Weeks Tomorrow
Well, 34's on top of us now.. getting there! Only 3 more weeks before she's considered "full-term". Wow - that's really something to ponder.
6 weeks remain until my due date. I'm both hoping to have all that time and hoping it gets shortened (within acceptable timeframe, of course).
I have a lot to say, but its bedtime and I'm pretty grumpy. So, hopefully more tomorrow. But didn't want to let the big 34 pass without even mentioning it.
Oh, and I've got a new symptom.. stay tuned to find out the culprit!
6 weeks remain until my due date. I'm both hoping to have all that time and hoping it gets shortened (within acceptable timeframe, of course).
I have a lot to say, but its bedtime and I'm pretty grumpy. So, hopefully more tomorrow. But didn't want to let the big 34 pass without even mentioning it.
Oh, and I've got a new symptom.. stay tuned to find out the culprit!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
31 Weeks!
A lot has happened since my last entry, most of it good. :)
I finally got a midwife! Yay! We have contracted with Treesa McLean, a wonderful midwife in Hayward who is very excited to help us with our birth. She's extremely earthy, kind, and warm. Her website, Birth With Treesa, is here. After meeting with one midwife in the south bay, I was sure that I wanted something different. The vibe was ALL wrong. Treesa was on my OB's preferred midwives list, and had also been tickling the periphery of my awareness as I looked through the local midwives that were recommended to me. I am ashamed to admit that I think I was a bit put off by her name, which is ridiculous. But I was thinking that with a name that starts with Tree she might be a tad more crunchy than I wanted. Not so at all! She's just enough Tree (grounded, stable, formidable, flexible, and dynamic) to really make my heart sing. I am so happy to have found her. We've only had 2 appointments, and she's already offering me great advice and getting down to brass tacks about logistics and possibilities.
Which brings me to news #2, not so great. My 2nd 3 hour glucose test came back with one elevated number that she didn't like. Now, the ADA says that it's not gestational diabetes unless TWO of the numbers are over the limit.. so technically I'm passing, but just squeaking by. Treesa is having me monitor my own blood sugar and journal my food for a few days to try to get more in-depth readings using foods I actually eat. It seems like a good plan, but I have to say that I'm a little bit depressed at what I'm already finding. *If* I am diagnosed with GD that does not resolve with diet and exercise, I will be disqualified for a home birth. That would be SUCH a bummer. So I'm hoping that we'll be able to nail it with a minimum of interventions. *sigh* So, a little stressed about that right now.
I had my 2nd appointment with Dr. Schuftan this week, and I was a little bit disappointed. Not only did I wait for an hour and a half to see him, but when I finally did, he was kind of weird and rushed, and spent most of our talk-time telling me about a new brand of vitamins he recommends, sells, and takes. I felt a little bit like I had been cornered by the Herbalife guy. And I don't doubt that he probably was making the recommendation for a good reason, and that the stuff is great product. But it was just kind of a strange shift in mood - he almost went into a marketing pitch. It was very odd. Not only did we have the Pill-Ex lecture, but then he gave me a 20 second ultrasound, said "Yep, there's your baby! Looks like the heart's beating just fine." and then shut down the machine and literally shuffled out the door. Earlier I had told him about some weird cramping/tightening I'd been feeling, and he said "Do you want me to check your cervix?" I said "Well, no, I'd rather not get naked and goopy - but if you think its necessary, I'm fine with it.." and he just sort of moved on to the next topic. It was strange. I mean, if he were worried, I'm sure he would have done the check.. so I can take it as a positive thing, I'm sure. But it was just strange. Anyway - I think it was just a bizarre day all around.
I have gained a couple of pounds, but I'm pretty sure that's all baby-stuff. I'm a bit relieved, actually, to be gaining a little. Hopefully it won't start an avalanche of pounds. :) Still barfing most mornings. Nights have gotten better - no puking in a few weeks, which is *wonderful*. I'm sleeping very well, still, and the back and joint pain is still very minimal/nonexistent. I'm very lucky that way, I gather. Leg cramps still killing me here and there, but Treesa has a surefire cure I'm going to try soon to see if that helps. (Mineral cocktail, basically.)
Speaking of Treesa, the best part about her is that her husband publishes role playing games, one of which is quite famous! My friends have played it numerous times, and it's just really cool to have someone 'in my tribe' as a midwife. I feel like we 'get' each other. When Eric and I went over on Sunday, her husband was hosting his Sunday tabletop gaming group. It was so familiar. And she has two GIANT Great Danes who are so beautiful and sweet. I even got to snuggle on the couch with Horatio, the big one. Such bliss to find her! She's in Haiti for a few weeks (birthing babies, what else?), so I'll be meeting the backup midwife this weekend.
Childbirth and breastfeeding classes are scheduled, and the car seat has arrived. Baby shower is planned... I suppose this means we're actually going to have a baby at some point soon. :)
I finally got a midwife! Yay! We have contracted with Treesa McLean, a wonderful midwife in Hayward who is very excited to help us with our birth. She's extremely earthy, kind, and warm. Her website, Birth With Treesa, is here. After meeting with one midwife in the south bay, I was sure that I wanted something different. The vibe was ALL wrong. Treesa was on my OB's preferred midwives list, and had also been tickling the periphery of my awareness as I looked through the local midwives that were recommended to me. I am ashamed to admit that I think I was a bit put off by her name, which is ridiculous. But I was thinking that with a name that starts with Tree she might be a tad more crunchy than I wanted. Not so at all! She's just enough Tree (grounded, stable, formidable, flexible, and dynamic) to really make my heart sing. I am so happy to have found her. We've only had 2 appointments, and she's already offering me great advice and getting down to brass tacks about logistics and possibilities.
Which brings me to news #2, not so great. My 2nd 3 hour glucose test came back with one elevated number that she didn't like. Now, the ADA says that it's not gestational diabetes unless TWO of the numbers are over the limit.. so technically I'm passing, but just squeaking by. Treesa is having me monitor my own blood sugar and journal my food for a few days to try to get more in-depth readings using foods I actually eat. It seems like a good plan, but I have to say that I'm a little bit depressed at what I'm already finding. *If* I am diagnosed with GD that does not resolve with diet and exercise, I will be disqualified for a home birth. That would be SUCH a bummer. So I'm hoping that we'll be able to nail it with a minimum of interventions. *sigh* So, a little stressed about that right now.
I had my 2nd appointment with Dr. Schuftan this week, and I was a little bit disappointed. Not only did I wait for an hour and a half to see him, but when I finally did, he was kind of weird and rushed, and spent most of our talk-time telling me about a new brand of vitamins he recommends, sells, and takes. I felt a little bit like I had been cornered by the Herbalife guy. And I don't doubt that he probably was making the recommendation for a good reason, and that the stuff is great product. But it was just kind of a strange shift in mood - he almost went into a marketing pitch. It was very odd. Not only did we have the Pill-Ex lecture, but then he gave me a 20 second ultrasound, said "Yep, there's your baby! Looks like the heart's beating just fine." and then shut down the machine and literally shuffled out the door. Earlier I had told him about some weird cramping/tightening I'd been feeling, and he said "Do you want me to check your cervix?" I said "Well, no, I'd rather not get naked and goopy - but if you think its necessary, I'm fine with it.." and he just sort of moved on to the next topic. It was strange. I mean, if he were worried, I'm sure he would have done the check.. so I can take it as a positive thing, I'm sure. But it was just strange. Anyway - I think it was just a bizarre day all around.
I have gained a couple of pounds, but I'm pretty sure that's all baby-stuff. I'm a bit relieved, actually, to be gaining a little. Hopefully it won't start an avalanche of pounds. :) Still barfing most mornings. Nights have gotten better - no puking in a few weeks, which is *wonderful*. I'm sleeping very well, still, and the back and joint pain is still very minimal/nonexistent. I'm very lucky that way, I gather. Leg cramps still killing me here and there, but Treesa has a surefire cure I'm going to try soon to see if that helps. (Mineral cocktail, basically.)
Speaking of Treesa, the best part about her is that her husband publishes role playing games, one of which is quite famous! My friends have played it numerous times, and it's just really cool to have someone 'in my tribe' as a midwife. I feel like we 'get' each other. When Eric and I went over on Sunday, her husband was hosting his Sunday tabletop gaming group. It was so familiar. And she has two GIANT Great Danes who are so beautiful and sweet. I even got to snuggle on the couch with Horatio, the big one. Such bliss to find her! She's in Haiti for a few weeks (birthing babies, what else?), so I'll be meeting the backup midwife this weekend.
Childbirth and breastfeeding classes are scheduled, and the car seat has arrived. Baby shower is planned... I suppose this means we're actually going to have a baby at some point soon. :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
New Doc, New Lease on Life
I don't have much time to post at the moment, but didn't want to let too much time go by with so much going on.
Today I met Dr. Schuftan for the first time. I am really impressed! He was extremely personable, wholeheartedly on board for planning for a home birth, and was just generally a joy. He gave me some Midwife resources, which I will follow up with this week as none of the women I've tried to contact have been able to get back to me. Hopefully I'll have some closure on that soon, with a backup doc ready to go and a midwife I trust. At 28 weeks it feels a bit weird not to have my team in place. I also have contracted with Dolphin Doula, an extremely highly recommended team from San Mateo. We went to the Meet The Doulas night a couple weeks ago, and were very impressed. Of course, it's hard to know how they'll be when things go down, but since everyone and their mother seems to think they're the bee's knees, I'll just trust.
This whole thing involves quite a bit of trust. In professionals, in myself, in my body, in medicine, in nature, in Eric. I'm working hard on remaining open to what is, and not clinging to any sense of what I want or need. Sort of extreme realism. So far it has served me well, and I hope to continue in that vein as things get more intense.
The wonderful news is that the antepartum depression seems to have lifted considerably, and I'm feeling much more grounded and happy. If I dwell too long on the hardship and difficulty of what lies ahead (and by ahead I mean parenting, not the birth) I am able to get myself pretty well back down into that funk.. so instead I try to push it aside and concentrate on the hard work of keeping myself healthy and celebrating the positives that I know will come along with this little girl. I'm still not exactly excited, but I'm at least not in a constant state of dread. I guess I should take it, huh?
Body-wise, I'm definitely popping out and full of baby. I've not gained a single pound overall since getting pregnant, which is wacky. Especially since now I know there are at least 5-8 pounds of baby and placenta and amniotic fluid in there now. Eric and I can both see a distinct change in my body - I'm getting back to where I was when we met, which is kind of nice. Well, except for the GIANT BELLY and inflated boobs. I contribute the weight loss/evening out to the fact that I can't really eat a large quantity of anything anymore and tend to graze all day on high-protein, high-fat snacks that are *gasp* good for me! Peanut butter and apples, babybel cheeses, toast and jam with cream cheese, cereals with whole milk, etc. I've renewed my love of fruit, and big doughy carby things aren't quite as alluring. Go baby - making me eat well. Heartburn has been creeping up on me, (and that's no surprise given the constant pressure on my gastric sphincters + hormones) but thankfully I'm *supposed* to be having one Tums a day to help with my calcium, so it all evens out.
I took my final 3 hour glucose test today. It sucked. But it's done now. Apparently there was no reason to take it twice, or so says Dr. S. Ah well.
A practical matter that has been bugging me has been how to best make sure that our needs are well attended after the birth. I know that we're both going to be exhausted, and with no family nearby I fear that we'll be doing it largely alone. I am 100% sure that Grandma and Aunt Sharlotte will be visiting frequently, as well as my Dad and Sandy (who have already begun making plans!), but I am just sort of boggling at how to cover the ins and outs of life in the first several months, especially once Eric returns to work. I can only remember the other times in my life when I've needed such help, and how readily I was cared for by those who love me. I'm sure all I will need to do is ask. I just need to figure out how I'm going to do that without feeling like a mooch.
Signing off from babyland..
Today I met Dr. Schuftan for the first time. I am really impressed! He was extremely personable, wholeheartedly on board for planning for a home birth, and was just generally a joy. He gave me some Midwife resources, which I will follow up with this week as none of the women I've tried to contact have been able to get back to me. Hopefully I'll have some closure on that soon, with a backup doc ready to go and a midwife I trust. At 28 weeks it feels a bit weird not to have my team in place. I also have contracted with Dolphin Doula, an extremely highly recommended team from San Mateo. We went to the Meet The Doulas night a couple weeks ago, and were very impressed. Of course, it's hard to know how they'll be when things go down, but since everyone and their mother seems to think they're the bee's knees, I'll just trust.
This whole thing involves quite a bit of trust. In professionals, in myself, in my body, in medicine, in nature, in Eric. I'm working hard on remaining open to what is, and not clinging to any sense of what I want or need. Sort of extreme realism. So far it has served me well, and I hope to continue in that vein as things get more intense.
The wonderful news is that the antepartum depression seems to have lifted considerably, and I'm feeling much more grounded and happy. If I dwell too long on the hardship and difficulty of what lies ahead (and by ahead I mean parenting, not the birth) I am able to get myself pretty well back down into that funk.. so instead I try to push it aside and concentrate on the hard work of keeping myself healthy and celebrating the positives that I know will come along with this little girl. I'm still not exactly excited, but I'm at least not in a constant state of dread. I guess I should take it, huh?
Body-wise, I'm definitely popping out and full of baby. I've not gained a single pound overall since getting pregnant, which is wacky. Especially since now I know there are at least 5-8 pounds of baby and placenta and amniotic fluid in there now. Eric and I can both see a distinct change in my body - I'm getting back to where I was when we met, which is kind of nice. Well, except for the GIANT BELLY and inflated boobs. I contribute the weight loss/evening out to the fact that I can't really eat a large quantity of anything anymore and tend to graze all day on high-protein, high-fat snacks that are *gasp* good for me! Peanut butter and apples, babybel cheeses, toast and jam with cream cheese, cereals with whole milk, etc. I've renewed my love of fruit, and big doughy carby things aren't quite as alluring. Go baby - making me eat well. Heartburn has been creeping up on me, (and that's no surprise given the constant pressure on my gastric sphincters + hormones) but thankfully I'm *supposed* to be having one Tums a day to help with my calcium, so it all evens out.
I took my final 3 hour glucose test today. It sucked. But it's done now. Apparently there was no reason to take it twice, or so says Dr. S. Ah well.
A practical matter that has been bugging me has been how to best make sure that our needs are well attended after the birth. I know that we're both going to be exhausted, and with no family nearby I fear that we'll be doing it largely alone. I am 100% sure that Grandma and Aunt Sharlotte will be visiting frequently, as well as my Dad and Sandy (who have already begun making plans!), but I am just sort of boggling at how to cover the ins and outs of life in the first several months, especially once Eric returns to work. I can only remember the other times in my life when I've needed such help, and how readily I was cared for by those who love me. I'm sure all I will need to do is ask. I just need to figure out how I'm going to do that without feeling like a mooch.
Signing off from babyland..
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Almost 26 Weeks, and Alllls Welllll
Molly and I went for our second detailed ultrasound the other day! It looks like everything is just where it should be, her heart is beating well, and she's growing right on schedule. Wonderful news. It took a while to get the right pictures of the heart, so I was starting to get a little bit antsy wondering why the technician was concentrating so hard on the different chambers and valves. But as I understand it, that's totally what they're looking for at that particular appointment, so it makes sense. We got the cutest little profile of her.. she looks like a baby now!
In a week and a bit I'll go in for my second (and hopefully final) 3 hour glucose tolerance test. It was a nightmare last time - so this time I'm going to go in armed with a book, DVD, and phone charger. Should be an improvement this time. I am not showing any signs of GD, so I should hopefully still be clear. I could be better about exercising, but I think I'm doing well with food and so hopefully it's status quo. I'm worried about anything that might jeopardize my ability to have my birth at home.
On Thursday we will have our "Meet the Doulas" night and will hopefully get a bit further down the path of choosing doulas and finding out more about midwives. I went to see the new obstetrician the other day, and while she seemed very kind and competent, she shared with me that her office will not 'back up' home birth patients. So I'll need to look toward another office for that kind of support if I want to have an obstetrician on call in addition to my midwife. Thankfully they were able to make a recommendation about a specific practice nearby that has been known to handle homebirths in the past, and I was able to make my next appointment with a well-known and respected doctor there. Hopefully we will click and he'll support my desire to have a home birth. We'll see. One of the great takeaways from my last appointment was that the doctor said that she saw nothing that should impede my path to home birth - that I am considered low-risk and that everything looked great so far. So I'm very pleased about that, and can't wait to talk to a midwife and get down to brass tacks.
The baby is rocking and rolling in her warm little home - I'm getting new types of kicks and movement all the time. Recently she's taken to kicking downward toward my back, which is a weird sensation indeed. (Heh - she just did it again!) But for now she's letting me sleep, and be mostly comfortable while we share space. I'm definitely showing, and people who know me have started remarking, rubbing the belly, etc. When I see pictures of skinny chicks at 5 months, they're clearly super pregnant. I just have to remember that it's under there, the soccer ball uterus containing the rutabaga of a baby. Just because it's got some adipose bunting doesn't mean it's not as significant.
I'm reading two wonderful books; Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, one of the leading midwives in the country, as well as Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman. The latter was recommended to me by a wise friend who had also lost her mother a significant time before her own pregnancy. It brings up a lot of strong and painful feelings, but I'm very happy to be processing them while I have the time and emotional space to do so. Considering how mothering may trigger profound grief is extremely valuable, as is hearing how healing many women have found their process of becoming a mother after losing their own. I must say, even before beginning the book, I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of my mom. What would she say? How did she experience pregnancy? What would she do to comfort me as I go through my depression and mood swings? What was life like for her with tiny children? What would she say about my choice to labor and birth at home? What rich advice could she be giving to me in the weeks after labor and delivery? The number of times she crosses my mind each day is extremely exaggerated - and though I could absolutely have predicted it, I am still struck dumb at times by my staggering feelings of loss and loneliness. Finding some community through the reading of the accounts of these women has been very healing so far, and I hope it continues to provide me with hope for reconciliation of some of these issues.
The depression I was speaking of in my last entry seems to have alleviated a bit - I'm definitely not quite at the same low as I have been for the last few months. I have a bit of increased energy as well, so I'm hoping that this is an upward trend for me and that my hormones have decided to give me a small break for a while. The emesis continues, and its not getting any easier to handle. That said, it is a known quantity now, so at least I can predict it and try to manage it as much as I can. I don't fight it anymore, I just let it roll on through. I know I could have it so much worse - I've talked to so many women who were violently ill through their entire 9 months (and then signed on to do it again!) and I thank my stars that I am only barfing once or twice a day. Still, I could really do without it.
The nursery has all of the necessary components, we just need to get off our butts and assemble everything and get the room set up. Thankfully we still have a couple mobile months left, so I'm hoping to get that underway soon. We have been extremely blessed by the warmth of our community, and have nearly all of our major needs met at this point. The diaper service has been selected, and the baby registry has begun.. I have a feeling we're really doing this thing.
Baby shower is set for April 1. We are still deciding how to handle it - try to have one big giant one and invite the whole county, or try to have a few smaller gatherings to hit different discrete groups of friends. I'm thinking of trying something distinctly non-traditional (What.. me?? Throw a non traditional milestone event?? Say it isn't so!!) so I need to kibbutz with my shower-faeries and see what they think. Either way - it's a lot less about the 'stuff' for me, and way more about celebration and being with friends cooing over my giant sloshy baby belly. We'll see! We've got two HUGE first birthdays to get through before then, not to mention mine and all sorts of other celebrations. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Signing off from babyland.. I love your comments so keep 'em coming! :) I like to see who is actually reading this dreck.
In a week and a bit I'll go in for my second (and hopefully final) 3 hour glucose tolerance test. It was a nightmare last time - so this time I'm going to go in armed with a book, DVD, and phone charger. Should be an improvement this time. I am not showing any signs of GD, so I should hopefully still be clear. I could be better about exercising, but I think I'm doing well with food and so hopefully it's status quo. I'm worried about anything that might jeopardize my ability to have my birth at home.
On Thursday we will have our "Meet the Doulas" night and will hopefully get a bit further down the path of choosing doulas and finding out more about midwives. I went to see the new obstetrician the other day, and while she seemed very kind and competent, she shared with me that her office will not 'back up' home birth patients. So I'll need to look toward another office for that kind of support if I want to have an obstetrician on call in addition to my midwife. Thankfully they were able to make a recommendation about a specific practice nearby that has been known to handle homebirths in the past, and I was able to make my next appointment with a well-known and respected doctor there. Hopefully we will click and he'll support my desire to have a home birth. We'll see. One of the great takeaways from my last appointment was that the doctor said that she saw nothing that should impede my path to home birth - that I am considered low-risk and that everything looked great so far. So I'm very pleased about that, and can't wait to talk to a midwife and get down to brass tacks.
The baby is rocking and rolling in her warm little home - I'm getting new types of kicks and movement all the time. Recently she's taken to kicking downward toward my back, which is a weird sensation indeed. (Heh - she just did it again!) But for now she's letting me sleep, and be mostly comfortable while we share space. I'm definitely showing, and people who know me have started remarking, rubbing the belly, etc. When I see pictures of skinny chicks at 5 months, they're clearly super pregnant. I just have to remember that it's under there, the soccer ball uterus containing the rutabaga of a baby. Just because it's got some adipose bunting doesn't mean it's not as significant.
I'm reading two wonderful books; Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, one of the leading midwives in the country, as well as Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman. The latter was recommended to me by a wise friend who had also lost her mother a significant time before her own pregnancy. It brings up a lot of strong and painful feelings, but I'm very happy to be processing them while I have the time and emotional space to do so. Considering how mothering may trigger profound grief is extremely valuable, as is hearing how healing many women have found their process of becoming a mother after losing their own. I must say, even before beginning the book, I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of my mom. What would she say? How did she experience pregnancy? What would she do to comfort me as I go through my depression and mood swings? What was life like for her with tiny children? What would she say about my choice to labor and birth at home? What rich advice could she be giving to me in the weeks after labor and delivery? The number of times she crosses my mind each day is extremely exaggerated - and though I could absolutely have predicted it, I am still struck dumb at times by my staggering feelings of loss and loneliness. Finding some community through the reading of the accounts of these women has been very healing so far, and I hope it continues to provide me with hope for reconciliation of some of these issues.
The depression I was speaking of in my last entry seems to have alleviated a bit - I'm definitely not quite at the same low as I have been for the last few months. I have a bit of increased energy as well, so I'm hoping that this is an upward trend for me and that my hormones have decided to give me a small break for a while. The emesis continues, and its not getting any easier to handle. That said, it is a known quantity now, so at least I can predict it and try to manage it as much as I can. I don't fight it anymore, I just let it roll on through. I know I could have it so much worse - I've talked to so many women who were violently ill through their entire 9 months (and then signed on to do it again!) and I thank my stars that I am only barfing once or twice a day. Still, I could really do without it.
The nursery has all of the necessary components, we just need to get off our butts and assemble everything and get the room set up. Thankfully we still have a couple mobile months left, so I'm hoping to get that underway soon. We have been extremely blessed by the warmth of our community, and have nearly all of our major needs met at this point. The diaper service has been selected, and the baby registry has begun.. I have a feeling we're really doing this thing.
Baby shower is set for April 1. We are still deciding how to handle it - try to have one big giant one and invite the whole county, or try to have a few smaller gatherings to hit different discrete groups of friends. I'm thinking of trying something distinctly non-traditional (What.. me?? Throw a non traditional milestone event?? Say it isn't so!!) so I need to kibbutz with my shower-faeries and see what they think. Either way - it's a lot less about the 'stuff' for me, and way more about celebration and being with friends cooing over my giant sloshy baby belly. We'll see! We've got two HUGE first birthdays to get through before then, not to mention mine and all sorts of other celebrations. So we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Signing off from babyland.. I love your comments so keep 'em coming! :) I like to see who is actually reading this dreck.
Friday, January 20, 2012
23 Weeks
Solidly into the second trimester, I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. More movement from BGR, more tugging on the round ligaments, etc. I've been battling my gagging reflex in the mornings, but I'm finding that if I drink or eat something before hopping in the shower, things are more manageable.
Everyone says that the 2nd trimester is the best.. that there's a golden span of a few months where everything feels great and you're not too big yet. Well, my theory on that is that there's a short period in the middle where you're *used* to all of your aches, pains, symptoms and ailments.. so you have the coping mechanisms to fight them, and you've yet to add on a whole 'nother slew. I can't say it's all cleared up and I'm feeling peachy-keen.. just that it's a bunch of devil-I-know. So, I'll take it.
If I sound a little down.. well.. that's because I am. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the map, but often down where the days are dark and gloomy. I often find myself sad for 'no reason'.. or if there is a reason, my reaction is exaggerated. Classic chemical imbalance, caused by hormones. And when it happens, I know that's the case, but it doesn't make it any easier to weather. It stinks to be sad all the time. Eric has been extremely patient and loving, and offers his warm shoulder whenever I need to just cry. He has weathered the changes in me with great kindness and patience. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side. (He even talks to the baby once in a while.. it's very sweet.)
The biggest news in babyland is that we are seriously considering planning for a home birth. I am well aware that que sera sera, and that when it comes down to it we may find ourselves in a hospital with a doctor I don't know, slicing me open for a c-section while I lay catatonic. Which is not to say that I am expecting that things will go wrong, but I do know that this baby will be born in the way it should, and that's all there is to it. I can plan all I want!
Why home birth? There are a couple of reasons that stand out. I feel very strongly that medical intervention should not be required for the majority of births. The "we've been doing it for millions of years" argument is a good one, and it feels strange to me to step in where nature already knows the way. Monitoring, yes.. coaching, of course. And medical expertise is very necessary! But surgery and drugs? We already make the drugs we need in our bodies. The predominant reason for the induction of babies is the need for the hospital bed to turn over, and for liability to be minimized. That makes me sick to my stomach.
I've also been learning by hearing about birth stories where the mother's wishes were plowed under in the name of 'medicine.' The attitude that I've read and heard about by some hospital staff (some from them directly!) really echoes the Monty Python vignette from Meaning of Life about childbirth, where the mother says "Shall I push?" and the doctor responds with "No my dear, you're NOT qualified!" I want my child to come into the world on its own schedule, with love and patience and respect for the incredibly momentous event that is taking place. I'm sure that is possible to achieve in a clinical setting, but I do not have a strong belief that it will be tolerated, and I don't want to have to fight that battle in the moment. I've heard stories of people being asked to moan less, and make less noise while they deliver because its scaring the other moms. WHAT?? Huh?? How dare you!
The other big reason Eric and I both are in favor of home birth is that the processes that the brain and body undergo during birth are extremely important in terms of chemical bonding. While I completely comprehend that there have been millions (maybe billions) of babies born with anesthesia and by c-section, and that their mothers love them fiercely and without measure, I still feel connected to the evolutionary process that has been honed to perfect the chemical bonding that occurs when oxytocin is released in response to birth. The process is so complex and subtle that there is no substitute. If by having a routine hospital birth I am signing up to be 65% likely to NOT allow that experience to occur, I would forever regret that choice.
Do I think home birth will be easy? Hellll no. In fact, it scares me to think of the extended pain and difficulty. I worry that I will be begging for the easy way out within hours. I worry that I will be one of the 1% of mommies for whom transfer becomes not only begged for but medically necessary to prevent injury or death. But the 1% vs. 35% is a hugely impressive difference, and I feel strongly that I need to do what my heart tells me to do.
Now we are looking into this option and narrowing down our options in terms of finding a midwife (and also a doula), figuring out how to pay for all of these services, and begin receiving prenatal care from them. I have my first appointment with my replacement obstetrician on Wednesday, and I was hoping to have a decision made (or at least well considered) by then. Better get cracking!
I am heartened by the fact that more people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they either had or considered home birth. That they had midwives and doulas, or wished they'd had the balls to do it at home. Those kinds of stories bolster me and help me believe that I can do it if I am committed. I also have a dear friend Colleen who sat with me yesterday and told me of her two home births of her sons. It was really important for me to hear it from someone so passionate and successful. If I am half the mother that Colleen is to her children, I would be satisfied.
In more mundane news, we have all the furniture we could need, which is fantastic. Families from my work at CLC have sold or donated a crib, rocking glider chair, changing table, armoire, and shelving units. Not to mention books, dvds, and adorable little outfits. I am so happy to not be impacting the environment as much by buying yet more stuff. There will already be a lot we'll have to get, so having the big stuff out of the way is going to be fantastic. We're very lucky to have such a robust and generous community.
And on that note.. I'm off to make some space to PUT all this furniture that's on its way to us. One more week 'til viability! Hooray!
Everyone says that the 2nd trimester is the best.. that there's a golden span of a few months where everything feels great and you're not too big yet. Well, my theory on that is that there's a short period in the middle where you're *used* to all of your aches, pains, symptoms and ailments.. so you have the coping mechanisms to fight them, and you've yet to add on a whole 'nother slew. I can't say it's all cleared up and I'm feeling peachy-keen.. just that it's a bunch of devil-I-know. So, I'll take it.
If I sound a little down.. well.. that's because I am. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the map, but often down where the days are dark and gloomy. I often find myself sad for 'no reason'.. or if there is a reason, my reaction is exaggerated. Classic chemical imbalance, caused by hormones. And when it happens, I know that's the case, but it doesn't make it any easier to weather. It stinks to be sad all the time. Eric has been extremely patient and loving, and offers his warm shoulder whenever I need to just cry. He has weathered the changes in me with great kindness and patience. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side. (He even talks to the baby once in a while.. it's very sweet.)
The biggest news in babyland is that we are seriously considering planning for a home birth. I am well aware that que sera sera, and that when it comes down to it we may find ourselves in a hospital with a doctor I don't know, slicing me open for a c-section while I lay catatonic. Which is not to say that I am expecting that things will go wrong, but I do know that this baby will be born in the way it should, and that's all there is to it. I can plan all I want!
Why home birth? There are a couple of reasons that stand out. I feel very strongly that medical intervention should not be required for the majority of births. The "we've been doing it for millions of years" argument is a good one, and it feels strange to me to step in where nature already knows the way. Monitoring, yes.. coaching, of course. And medical expertise is very necessary! But surgery and drugs? We already make the drugs we need in our bodies. The predominant reason for the induction of babies is the need for the hospital bed to turn over, and for liability to be minimized. That makes me sick to my stomach.
I've also been learning by hearing about birth stories where the mother's wishes were plowed under in the name of 'medicine.' The attitude that I've read and heard about by some hospital staff (some from them directly!) really echoes the Monty Python vignette from Meaning of Life about childbirth, where the mother says "Shall I push?" and the doctor responds with "No my dear, you're NOT qualified!" I want my child to come into the world on its own schedule, with love and patience and respect for the incredibly momentous event that is taking place. I'm sure that is possible to achieve in a clinical setting, but I do not have a strong belief that it will be tolerated, and I don't want to have to fight that battle in the moment. I've heard stories of people being asked to moan less, and make less noise while they deliver because its scaring the other moms. WHAT?? Huh?? How dare you!
The other big reason Eric and I both are in favor of home birth is that the processes that the brain and body undergo during birth are extremely important in terms of chemical bonding. While I completely comprehend that there have been millions (maybe billions) of babies born with anesthesia and by c-section, and that their mothers love them fiercely and without measure, I still feel connected to the evolutionary process that has been honed to perfect the chemical bonding that occurs when oxytocin is released in response to birth. The process is so complex and subtle that there is no substitute. If by having a routine hospital birth I am signing up to be 65% likely to NOT allow that experience to occur, I would forever regret that choice.
Do I think home birth will be easy? Hellll no. In fact, it scares me to think of the extended pain and difficulty. I worry that I will be begging for the easy way out within hours. I worry that I will be one of the 1% of mommies for whom transfer becomes not only begged for but medically necessary to prevent injury or death. But the 1% vs. 35% is a hugely impressive difference, and I feel strongly that I need to do what my heart tells me to do.
Now we are looking into this option and narrowing down our options in terms of finding a midwife (and also a doula), figuring out how to pay for all of these services, and begin receiving prenatal care from them. I have my first appointment with my replacement obstetrician on Wednesday, and I was hoping to have a decision made (or at least well considered) by then. Better get cracking!
I am heartened by the fact that more people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they either had or considered home birth. That they had midwives and doulas, or wished they'd had the balls to do it at home. Those kinds of stories bolster me and help me believe that I can do it if I am committed. I also have a dear friend Colleen who sat with me yesterday and told me of her two home births of her sons. It was really important for me to hear it from someone so passionate and successful. If I am half the mother that Colleen is to her children, I would be satisfied.
In more mundane news, we have all the furniture we could need, which is fantastic. Families from my work at CLC have sold or donated a crib, rocking glider chair, changing table, armoire, and shelving units. Not to mention books, dvds, and adorable little outfits. I am so happy to not be impacting the environment as much by buying yet more stuff. There will already be a lot we'll have to get, so having the big stuff out of the way is going to be fantastic. We're very lucky to have such a robust and generous community.
And on that note.. I'm off to make some space to PUT all this furniture that's on its way to us. One more week 'til viability! Hooray!
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