Solidly into the second trimester, I'm definitely feeling more pregnant. More movement from BGR, more tugging on the round ligaments, etc. I've been battling my gagging reflex in the mornings, but I'm finding that if I drink or eat something before hopping in the shower, things are more manageable.
Everyone says that the 2nd trimester is the best.. that there's a golden span of a few months where everything feels great and you're not too big yet. Well, my theory on that is that there's a short period in the middle where you're *used* to all of your aches, pains, symptoms and ailments.. so you have the coping mechanisms to fight them, and you've yet to add on a whole 'nother slew. I can't say it's all cleared up and I'm feeling peachy-keen.. just that it's a bunch of devil-I-know. So, I'll take it.
If I sound a little down.. well.. that's because I am. I'm finding that my emotions are all over the map, but often down where the days are dark and gloomy. I often find myself sad for 'no reason'.. or if there is a reason, my reaction is exaggerated. Classic chemical imbalance, caused by hormones. And when it happens, I know that's the case, but it doesn't make it any easier to weather. It stinks to be sad all the time. Eric has been extremely patient and loving, and offers his warm shoulder whenever I need to just cry. He has weathered the changes in me with great kindness and patience. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side. (He even talks to the baby once in a while.. it's very sweet.)
The biggest news in babyland is that we are seriously considering planning for a home birth. I am well aware that que sera sera, and that when it comes down to it we may find ourselves in a hospital with a doctor I don't know, slicing me open for a c-section while I lay catatonic. Which is not to say that I am expecting that things will go wrong, but I do know that this baby will be born in the way it should, and that's all there is to it. I can plan all I want!
Why home birth? There are a couple of reasons that stand out. I feel very strongly that medical intervention should not be required for the majority of births. The "we've been doing it for millions of years" argument is a good one, and it feels strange to me to step in where nature already knows the way. Monitoring, yes.. coaching, of course. And medical expertise is very necessary! But surgery and drugs? We already make the drugs we need in our bodies. The predominant reason for the induction of babies is the need for the hospital bed to turn over, and for liability to be minimized. That makes me sick to my stomach.
I've also been learning by hearing about birth stories where the mother's wishes were plowed under in the name of 'medicine.' The attitude that I've read and heard about by some hospital staff (some from them directly!) really echoes the Monty Python vignette from Meaning of Life about childbirth, where the mother says "Shall I push?" and the doctor responds with "No my dear, you're NOT qualified!" I want my child to come into the world on its own schedule, with love and patience and respect for the incredibly momentous event that is taking place. I'm sure that is possible to achieve in a clinical setting, but I do not have a strong belief that it will be tolerated, and I don't want to have to fight that battle in the moment. I've heard stories of people being asked to moan less, and make less noise while they deliver because its scaring the other moms. WHAT?? Huh?? How dare you!
The other big reason Eric and I both are in favor of home birth is that the processes that the brain and body undergo during birth are extremely important in terms of chemical bonding. While I completely comprehend that there have been millions (maybe billions) of babies born with anesthesia and by c-section, and that their mothers love them fiercely and without measure, I still feel connected to the evolutionary process that has been honed to perfect the chemical bonding that occurs when oxytocin is released in response to birth. The process is so complex and subtle that there is no substitute. If by having a routine hospital birth I am signing up to be 65% likely to NOT allow that experience to occur, I would forever regret that choice.
Do I think home birth will be easy? Hellll no. In fact, it scares me to think of the extended pain and difficulty. I worry that I will be begging for the easy way out within hours. I worry that I will be one of the 1% of mommies for whom transfer becomes not only begged for but medically necessary to prevent injury or death. But the 1% vs. 35% is a hugely impressive difference, and I feel strongly that I need to do what my heart tells me to do.
Now we are looking into this option and narrowing down our options in terms of finding a midwife (and also a doula), figuring out how to pay for all of these services, and begin receiving prenatal care from them. I have my first appointment with my replacement obstetrician on Wednesday, and I was hoping to have a decision made (or at least well considered) by then. Better get cracking!
I am heartened by the fact that more people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me that they either had or considered home birth. That they had midwives and doulas, or wished they'd had the balls to do it at home. Those kinds of stories bolster me and help me believe that I can do it if I am committed. I also have a dear friend Colleen who sat with me yesterday and told me of her two home births of her sons. It was really important for me to hear it from someone so passionate and successful. If I am half the mother that Colleen is to her children, I would be satisfied.
In more mundane news, we have all the furniture we could need, which is fantastic. Families from my work at CLC have sold or donated a crib, rocking glider chair, changing table, armoire, and shelving units. Not to mention books, dvds, and adorable little outfits. I am so happy to not be impacting the environment as much by buying yet more stuff. There will already be a lot we'll have to get, so having the big stuff out of the way is going to be fantastic. We're very lucky to have such a robust and generous community.
And on that note.. I'm off to make some space to PUT all this furniture that's on its way to us. One more week 'til viability! Hooray!
